My Not So Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve, so merry Christmas everyone! Dispite it being a holiday which I'm so excited but today sucks. My mom is babysitting even though we had plans to go shopping and go to lunch. Now there is one kid in the corner the other smashing my playstation and I'm so mad I've got my music blasting. Sorry to anyone that can hear it (except my mom, I'm not sorry to you). On top of all that I have no prezies under my tree that I have had since third grade. Yay tree you made it this far keep going please! I mean how hard is it to keep your promise? I have been bed bound the last three weeks you'd think she would be happy I'm up. not that I even knew it was Christmas Eve I was still on the 19th. Watever I'm over it well not really but I won't let it ruin the holiday. So happy holidays people!Note: I don't own this picture but it is beautiful.

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Invisable

My list of symptoms as of today...

 

  I pushed my body so far that I have become house bound and bedridden most days. I spent the last five years sick and lost my teenage years due to this illness. I may be depressed but only because I’m sick not the other way around. Before getting sick I was an overachiever and fully energetic, taking a break wasn’t in my vocabulary. I spent every waking moment on my feet doing ten things at a time. I have over 54 awards and 5 medals and trophies. I love to read, photography, I love the outdoors, and to run mostly track. I love to dance and could dance up to four hours without a break. It’s not that I don’t still love these things it’s that I can’t due to this illness. Indescribable physical and mental exhaustion, insomnia, inconsistent sleep patterns, severe nausea. Worsen of symptoms with stress, confusion, concentration and memory problems. Dizziness, sensory overload, sensitivity to light, and anxiety. I also suffer from sever headaches and loss of appetite, constantly freezing, lack of weight gain, loss of weight, and shakiness. My mother has to help me and I miss a lot of holidays. I miss out on alot of memories......

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Today I Feel

  Today I feel ....... all the people in the world and you can still feel lonely. I use to dream of having a nice house, pets, and a great job. No family problems or not being in touch with some people in my family. I wanted all my awards and accomplishments hanging on a wall and a library room with selves full of books and a big window letting in soft sun light. I wanted to go to high school, join a sorority, and have only me to worry about. Well not just me but not my family. Now all I have is a GED and the problem of getting tired just from typing. Some people want it all and I was one of them and I might just have had it all if I hadn't gotten sick. Now I don't want it all just to be able to not get tired from talking or any little thing I do. Today I let go of my dreams, goals, and hopes. Today I focus on what is realistic......
Note: I don't own this picture but it is beautiful

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How School Affected My Depression

• How school affected my depression
•  You see, I was anxious about hallways I hated getting bumped or brushed. I hated getting hugged or held though I loved it. Besides hallways I got anxious in P.E too.  Now in sixth grade is when it became something more. Stress is what happened to me and of course I started speaking my mind and entering the goth stage.
•   Now let me say by seventh grade the goth stage had worn out but the stress and anxiety had became stronger, things just kept piling up. The pile up is all these things happening at once. My sister was having my youngest nephew. My sisters grandma who was like a grandma to me was in the hospital and there was a lot of late nights in the hospital with 40 other family members and arguing over should I not get to see her. I did get to see her but I don’t focus on those memories of her. She died that December.

•  That Christmas my dog that I got on my birthday had gotten stolen on Christmas Day. Then right before the beginning of the school year my mother and I was in a car accident and we lost our car and ended up staying with my sister. My mother was having heart problems though the doctor told her it was just heartburn. . Also the fact that it was a new school and new house again. I moved every two years and went to a new school every year although sometimes I just went back to a school. I call that a school repeat. So I had to make new friends every year and let me tell you being depressed does make it so much harder. I will end it here but more for later…..
• Note: I don't own this picture but it is beautiful.

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How It All Started...Kinda

• How it all started
•   It started when my biggest regret happened it was a beautiful summer day and I had made a new friend now my other friend didn’t like her or something. So I invited the new friend over and well the old friend took off mad. So I followed her to work it out with her but by the time I get there she’s pointing at me to her mom and says there she is. So when her mom looks over at me she says B*.  I’m like she just called me a B* so I run home crying and well here is the part I regret. Now since I’m just a kid I’m crying and thinking I won’t tell mama because she will pick that ladies side. So I called my big sister who says I’ll be there and hang up.
•  So I’m sitting up on the stairs as my sister and her boyfriend and best friend stroll in. So least to say they confronted the lady who denied it and things got way out of hand which you will not get any more details as that’s not my story to tell. But if anyone that was there that day is reading this I’m sorry and I appreciate all you sacrificed and lost for resusing a kid who was bawling her eyes out. That day has haunted me my whole life but I want to say that I lost something that was so special to me to that day. I probably caused a lot of pain to happen because of that day.
•   Now skip to me being about twelve and experiencing first love. The thing I thought I lost that horrible day had been found again! It was great although it was off and on. Until that other horrible day when I moved and lost what had been lost and found. I didn't get to say goodbye that day and I regret that. About that time I lost my aunt and uncle which had caused me to go numb because I didn’t cry when I lost them just held that sadness in. All those things at once had caused my anxiety and depression to worsen. I was sent to see the school counselor but that ended when I gave them a piece of my mind and said everything was fine. What a big fat lie and the second time I only actually said what I was thinking. Someone in my family doesn’t believe any one under thirty actually has a thought process and if they do then they are evil. ( rolling my eyes)  So you could barley get me to talk. More for later ……

Note: I don't own this picture but it is beautiful

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What They Say Depression Is

  What they say depression is and what it really is, that's what I'm here to tell you. 

They say depression is.....
 
 Depression is a condition in which a person feels discouraged, sad, hopeless, unmotivated, or disinterested in life in general. When these feelings last for a short period of time, it may be a case of "the blues."

 But when such feelings last for more than two weeks and when the feelings interfere with daily activities such as taking care of family, spending time with friends, or going to work or school, it's likely a major depressive episode.

What depression really is (at least for me)......?

 Discouraged? It's not just that it's thinking that something’s not realistic; it's beating down a dream or goal. Sadness? It's having a tear roll down your cheek and you have no idea why. It's like, I'm crying? I had no idea I was even crying but I have proof now. Wanting to take the pain away any way you can. Sometimes cutting helps, which I've done maybe ten times though I'm not big on it or it would have been more. Sometimes it's sleeping and letting your dreams take you away so you can be anywhere but here. Sometimes it's just going numb moving through the motions but being gone. I call that autopilot.

So my conclusion is

 Depression is having a dark side that comes out and plays far more often than the real me. It's being all extremes. Wanting to be by myself but hating to be alone. Haunted by things done and also by things not done. Haunted by doubt and losing your confidence.

                                                                                                                   

                                              

http://www.adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/depression

note: I don't own this picture but it is beautiful

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